I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
