I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
