He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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