I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
