Why are handjobs necessary in class?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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