Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
