phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
