hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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