Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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