2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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