We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
