i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Your penis caused this!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
