OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
