tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
