Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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