i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
