I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My dick has a subreddit
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
