Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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