I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
