A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize