"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize