when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
