Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
