Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
