Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
