i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
