we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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