Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
