Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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