"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
