You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
