just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
