You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
