im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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