I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
