My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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