My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
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