he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
