At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
