i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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