I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
