Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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