He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
