if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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