trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
