respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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