the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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