Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
