Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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