I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
