hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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