Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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