WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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