Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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