On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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