Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
