Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
